I was recently confronted with the emotions of shame and disappointment mixed with some anger, all of which came upon me suddenly and unexpected.

One day prior to Thanksgiving I stopped by my parent’s house unexpectedly hoping to see everyone for a few minutes, and considering I rarely do such a thing these days I knew my family would enjoy the surprise.  Unfortunately, my parents were not at home, but my younger brother was there alone.  As I walked up I saw my brother’s Trek mountain bike leaning on the porch, a bike he has owned for almost ten years.   It was a sunny and warm day, so I was sure he had been out riding to enjoy the beautiful day.  I visited with him inside awhile before we went outside around the porch.  We talked about how much riding he was doing, how much he loved riding, and how much weight he has lost in the past year.  As we talked I began to look over his bicycle, and it was at this point the feelings of shame began to overwhelm me.

My little brother is not so little anymore.  He stands at least an inch or taller than I do, and currently outweighs me by about 30 pounds.  A year ago he outweighed me by about 70 pounds.  My brother is a unique and special person on this Earth.  God most certainly chose him on the first day of his birth to teach lessons even he does not know he teaches.  My brother was born three months premature, and weighed in at a mere 1 pound 9 ounces at birth.  The beginning three months of his life were spent entirely in the hospital trying to survive, literally fighting for his life.  Aside from the amazingly low birth weight his eyes were not fully developed.  He was eventually able to gain some weight and be released for home, but his eyes continued to provide difficulty and still do to this very day.  Things he has endured include but are not limited to: eye surgeries, wearing an eye patch, being “legally” blind, attending Tennessee School for the Blind, and generally an overall lack of opportunity due to his disability.  There is a lot more that could be said about his personal twists and turns, some good and some horribly bad, but that is a different personal story only he has the right to tell.  Fortunately, he has sufficient vision to function normally, though it is far from 20/20, and still comes with many limitations.

As we stand around the porch, I am enjoying listening to him speak about how much he loves to ride, and while he speaks I am looking over his Trek mountain bike.  To hear him say it, his bicycle is awesome and doing just fine.  He is telling me about how he cannot wait for warmer weather so he can try to ride even longer and farther than he has before.  I continue listening to his enthusiasm while I look more closely at his bike, and suddenly I have an overwhelming sense of shame, guilt, disappointment, anger and frustration.  None of these emotions are because of anything he did, but instead I was greatly disappointed in myself for allowing my little brother to ride for so long on such an old, unsafe, beaten and worn down bicycle.  The tire tread was gone and sidewalls cracking, his gears were not working properly, the chain was shot, the front shock done along with other things too numerous to count.  I told him we had to do something about this problem, but he downplayed the situation saying it is getting the job done.

I was having a difficult time holding my emotions inside without revealing them to my brother on the spot.  All I could manage to say was that we have to figure out a way to get him a new bike.  Because I was so angry with myself I quickly left without waiting to see my parents, and as I drove away I broke down in tears.

As I drove home I felt so ashamed of my selfishness and good fortune.  Here I am blessed beyond imagination, earning a living as a cycling coach, owning three bicycles worth anywhere between $3,000 and $6,000 each, and my little brother is “making do” on a ten year old bike that is literally falling apart.  How in the world could I have allowed this to happen?

It is a unique thing to grow up feeling advantaged alongside a sibling who is disadvantaged.  It was never expressly said to me that I should be thankful to be 100% healthy as compared to my brother, but because you see the struggles on a daily basis it becomes instinctual to be grateful for the good in your life.  We all want our family to experience pure joy on a regular basis, but because of our providential extremes it has meant finding unique ways to share and experience such joy.  My life’s biggest fan while I played baseball was probably my little brother, followed closely by my mother and father.  My success in high school, college and in pro ball brought him a lot of joy.  There was a span of three or four consecutive years in college and pro ball where I managed to hit a home run on his birthday.  I never tried to do this, it would just happen, like clockwork, and he would remind me on the phone how I had done it again.  I will never forget hearing the enthusiasm and disbelief in his voice as we would share that moment each time.

It is not often we get to make an impressionable impact on the life of someone we love.  I was determined to fix my brother’s problem even though he did not feel he had one.  Lucky for me, I know people who can help me correct such a problem.  I called my dad and told him of my intentions, and said this will put me at my Christmas limit.  Nobody else would be getting anything from me this year, only my brother.  I could have waited out the winter and pulled the trigger in early spring as the weather improved, but you and I both know how powerfully motivating a new bicycle can be even in the coldest winters.  Plus, I knew my brother would not be expecting a bicycle as a Christmas gift, so to pull off a surprise of this magnitude at Christmas makes it even more special.

My family opens gifts on Christmas Eve, and this year we did so at my sister’s house.  I called ahead to make sure my brother was already there, and I told my sister to get everyone outside on her front porch.  I parked my car out of sight down the street, and prepared the delivery of my brother’s new beautiful Trek hybrid bicycle.  It was already dark, so I turned on his front and rear lights to flicker, put on his new Bontrager helmet, and pedaled down the street to my family waiting outside.  I rode up to the house yelling, “ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!”

I got off his new bike as I greeted everyone, and by chance my brother was the first to walk up to me.  I told him, “Guess what, this bicycle is for you.  It’s yours, Merry Christmas!”  Time stood still for just a moment.  As you can imagine, he was stunned and speechless at first.  He kept saying, “What?  I can’t believe it.  You shouldn’t have done this.  I am not worthy of such a nice bicycle.”  I corrected him and said, “No, you deserve this bicycle.”  I took off the helmet and put it on his head, and told him to take it for a spin around the block.  He hopped on and excitedly pedaled up the street out of sight.  I thought to myself there is a chance he will not come back for a while, but he soon flew by us from the other direction doing over 20 mph!  My brother came back and was already breathing a little heavy from the hot lap around the neighborhood.  He gave me a big hug and said thank you.

We all went back inside for dinner and gift giving, and if I had a dollar for every time he picked it back up to look at it I could probably buy him another one.  The wondrous look on my brother’s face continued the whole night.  He talked about where all he was planning to go since this bike was much more mobile than his old mountain bike; even saying he could ride down to the Titans stadium to help me setup for my summer races!  It was thrilling for me and my entire family to see my little brother so excited about his new bicycle.

We may not be able to alter God’s plan for most things, but when He places us in a position to make a difference then we must step up and respond.  I admit my actions were greatly impacted by the feelings I felt the day I attempted to visit my parents.  I sincerely believe He put me in that position, just me and my brother, to shed a little light on my brother’s circumstance.  As a result, those feelings motivated me to take action to improve the quality of my brother’s life.  If you are a bicyclist, then you understand the impact a bicycle can have on someone's life.  A bicycle opens your heart, opens your mind, and opens your eyes.  

My brother summed it up perfectly by sharing this comment on my Facebook profile on Christmas morning, “Not even a F-14 could knock me off of this cloud.”

That makes two of us Jayme.  You have inspired me since the day you were born.  I love you.